Shadows
by Zoni
Summary: With his wedding quickly approaching, Ciel considers the fact that he has two very different sides to his life. Sebastian/Ciel, platonic Ciel/Lizzy


**Shadows  
**_by Zoni_

My life is a delicate balance between the shadows and the light from the outside. The light shines in and threatens to illuminate everything for the world to see. It has been eight years since I first started living in the shadows with this black crow at my side. To the public, I am Lord Phantomhive. Losing my parents at the tender age of ten, I now cut a tragic figure. Most people see me as a brave young man who is stepping up to fill the shoes of my father before me as head of the Phantomhive household. In the glittering world of aristocracy, I am a well respected member of nobility who moves with grace and ease towards the same status my predecessor before me carried. Small talk and social parties are the life of the socialite, they are the new ways of nobility. I play along, blending in at parties and making all of the right impressions on all of the right people. All of it is nothing more than a mask, delicately painted in loving detail and carefully tied on to conceal my true face.

The second half of my life is the concealed reality that only he truly knows about. Much has changed in the time since Sebastian found me. In that time, I have carefully hidden what it is that I do from the rest of the world. There is blood on my hands, more of it than even I can recall. How many lives have fallen at my word? It really doesn't matter who does the actual deed. If Sebastian is acting on my orders then it is no different than if I were killing them myself. All of this I do in the name of the Queen. Every one of these things is done simply so that I can set her mind at ease, but it is a sobering thought to realize how very few of her troubles can be solved without the loss of life.

Queen Victoria is no longer as well as she once was. Public worries are stirring as her health fades. The aristocracy and the underground, however, have stirrings of a different sort. Unrest has begun to rise. Everything that I do is at the command of Her Majesty. As I have gotten older, my control over the underworld has only gotten stronger. Lord Randall no longer questions or even resists my interference in his work. Lau no longer attempts to skirt the guidelines I have laid down for his particular brand of amusements. When I was but a child, I was a player in the game. Now, I am truly the master. When Queen Victoria dies, this may change. For now, I will continue to play the game.

Lizzy will never know that side of me. She will never see the power games that I play in the dark alleys of London, or know of the many things that I have done for the Queen. I do not want to see her tainted by my deeds. As the years have passed, she has grown into a lovely young woman. Many of the things about her that I used to hate have faded. She has traded her ribbons for small talk and the whining for polite laughter. Ever the social butterfly, she makes all the right impressions when we are seen together at parties and events. Elizabeth draws all of the eyes in the room away from me. She is a beautiful distraction that helps me to blend in to proper society.

Our wedding is only a few months away. December has been a month that is filled with tragedy for the Phantomhives. Some have commented that it is inappropriate that we will marry just after Christmas. I agreed to the date in spite of that. Or perhaps because of it, I am not certain. Today, the autumn wind is just beginning to set in. She is here visiting, as she often does, and has spent a week at my mansion. The timing of her visit was very fortunate. I had only just concluded an incident in London's East End and I am not anticipating any of my more interesting duties for at least a week.

I have tried to be a decent host while she is staying with me. Even so, she has spent much of her time with her maid, Paula. Today, I have cleared out part of my schedule so that I might at least try to appear sociable and spend some time with her. It wouldn't be appropriate for me to avoid her completely. Like any guest, I must see that she is properly entertained. We have already had our afternoon tea and it is starting to turn into evening. At her request I have joined her for a stroll around the grounds. I am surprised by the fact that I have almost enjoyed her company during this week. She has been quite pleasant to have around, if only for a change from my usual pace.

I do care for her. It is impossible not to care for someone you have known for as long as she and I have known each other. She and Tanaka are the only real connections that I have left to my life before my parents died. I would be very reluctant to rid myself of those ties to the past, even if the past has little bearing on the present. However, just because I care for her doesn't mean that I love her. In a way, I guess, I do. As much as one can love their friends or family. Romantic love, though? No. I do not feel even the slightest romantic inclinations toward her. Perhaps if I hadn't known her my entire life. Perhaps if my family hadn't been destroyed. In our world, that sort of love is neither needed nor expected. I will marry her so that my family name might continue on. Beyond that it will have no real meaning other than respectability.

She is pleasant enough company in small doses. Even if I do not share her enthusiasm for gossip, I can still hold a steady conversation with her about the daily goings on in London. It is refreshing to talk to someone who isn't tied up in the dark underpinnings of society that I have been so caught up in as of late. There have been times when Lizzy has seen those things. I have worried that they might somehow darken her bright spirit. That is why I have worked so hard to keep these two halves of my life separate. Still, somehow, she has come through completely unscathed.

At the moment she is walking by my side. She's smiling warmly and telling me about a party that she attended last month. Her voice is warm as she talks to me. "Will you come with me next month? Nanette is having another ball and she would like you to come."

"I can't really take the time off for a trip like that, Lizzy," I tell her. "There is a chance but I may also be busy. You know that things often come up. I can't make any promises."

"You're always busy, aren't you?" Her smile softens and she begins to look a little downcast.

I really should try to cheer her up. While she will never be my top priority, there is no reason for her to be pushed by the wayside unnecessarily. "When will you be able to visit again?"

Her smile brightens as soon as she hears the words. She believes that I am looking forward to her visit. I am content to let her think that but, in all honesty, it doesn't really matter to me. At least she isn't still frowning. "I will see if I can come up at the beginning of next month. Things at home should have quieted down by then. There are still a few things we need to do before the wedding, perhaps we could talk about them."

"That would be wonderful." I smile at her but the smile isn't genuine. While I have enjoyed this past week of her company, I dread the change that will come once I am married to her. Much of my existence is spent balancing the delicate film between the two sides of my life. The privacy I keep behind closed doors will vanish once I have a wife. Somehow, throughout the years, I have managed to keep her from catching sight of the brand that marks my back. She has never seen me without the patch across my eye. If I am injured, or my property destroyed, in the service of the Queen then there is no one that will notice or care. When Elizabeth is my wife, how will I hide these things from her? It is not a matter of propriety so much as the fact that I do not want her to know about them. I do not want her to be a part of that carefully guarded side of my life. After all, while Lizzy may believe that she loves me, the person that she cares about is Ciel. In that darker part of my life, Ciel does not exist. I am only Lord Phantomhive there.

There has never been a point in my life at which I have felt the need or desire for a wife or children. The thought of having a wife is really more of an inconvenience than anything. I am aware that it is my duty to marry. The Phantomhive name will die with me if I do not produce an heir. By all standards Lizzy has grown into a beautiful woman. I should be glad to have such good fortune. However, I do not feel even the slightest spark of desire for her. In all honesty, the thought of being with her in that way makes me feel uneasy.

She looks up at me and I can tell that she still isn't completely happy. She's thinking about something. "Ciel, you aren't happy about the engagement, are you?"

"I couldn't be happier," I say. It seems so natural to say even though I feel hollow as the words leave my mouth. We've had this conversation before. I'm certain we will have it again. This is part of my duty as an earl. I will approach it with the same grace and willingness that I have undertaken all of my other duties to Her Majesty. We both turn and look towards the carriage path as the sound of wheels on dirt approaches.  
The two of us walk toward the front of the house. Her luggage has already been brought outside and a footman is loading it into the carriage. The two of us say our good-byes and I see her off with a chaste kiss on the cheek. Standing in front of my manor, I watch as the carriage pulls away and vanishes into the distance.

Evening has fallen and my guest has left. That means that I must now return to my usual duties. Heading into the house, I walk briskly toward my office. There is only a little paperwork to be done and I can finish that in the morning. I tuck it into a desk drawer along with the last of my business notes. My portable telephone is returned to its alcove. Everything is concluded just as it has been every night for the past eight years. Sebastian no longer walks me from the office to my room. Instead, he is already waiting inside my chambers when I arrive.

Seeing his face after this very long afternoon comes as an unexpected relief to me. I do not have to pretend to be someone that I am not around Sebastian. He smiles softly as I walk through the doors. On the bed, he has already laid out a nightshirt for me. "You have a busy day tomorrow, young master."

"What all is on the schedule?" I ask as I walk across the room to stand by the bed. Sebastian walks the few paces it takes to stand in front of me and begins to help me get dressed for bed. He no longer has to kneel at my feet in order to unbutton my jackets. I am not as tall as my father was, but there are now only a few inches in between Sebastian and I. He makes quick work of my clothing for the day and pulls the nightshirt over my arms, fastening the buttons.

"You have a breakfast meeting with Lord Randall from Scotland Yard regarding the incident last week," He says as he finishes helping me change. He folds down the covers on the bed so that I can lay down. "In the afternoon, one of the representatives from the Paris factories is due to come by to discuss changes in the manufacturing process. In addition, there has been a discrepancy with the paperwork for two of the factories in India. Lau has also requested a meeting with you, for reasons I am unaware of."

"He probably just wants to mooch some food off of us," I sigh as I slip into bed. The soft sheets are an amazing relief to my legs. I've been on my feet most of the day just tending to Lizzy. Pulling the covers up around myself, I lean back into the pillows. Sebastian blows out two of the three oil lamps that I keep in the room and then comes to stand by the bed.

"Is there anything else you need, young master?" He asks me. His eyes are fixed on mine and I can tell that he's thinking about something. Never does he rush through getting me ready for bed as he has done tonight. I think I know the reason, though. It is probably the exact same reason that I hurried to finish my duties in the office.

Tilting my head, I look at him and ask, "Is that truly all you want to say to me, Sebastian?"

For a moment Sebastian watches me without saying a word. Then, he takes a step closer to my bed and leans forward, using his gloved fingers to pull my face up to his. The feel of his lips on mine is exactly what I have been missing. Reaching a hand up to touch the side of his face, I pull him closer until he is kneeling on the bed. I can feel the soft strands of his hair sliding through my finger tips as I pull him down towards me. His lips never leave mine as he sits on the bed next to me. The sound of his shoes hitting the floor reaches my ears just as his arms wrap around me to pull me close.

Jealousy. Pure and simple jealousy. His hands on my back and the feel of his tongue against mine. He becomes like this every time that she visits. Sometimes it feels like his edge of control is slipping. I wonder just how much he thinks about how very little time we have left like this. Every moment we spend together becomes more desperate. Through the contract, I am his. I have been his since that night. Demons have no loyalty, I am told, and they are very selfish creatures. If that is true, then why does it feel like he is trying even now to claim me as his?

I reach up and loosen his tie. His waistcoat and shirt are quickly undone. Every moment I spend undoing buttons feels like it is wasted. All I want is to be closer to him. Pulling away from Sebastian I say, "Finish undressing."

He says nothing, but he pulls away and begins to disrobe as I slide further over in the bed so that he will have room next to me. I am fascinated with the way that he moves as he undoes the buttons on his clothing. Even watching him quickly fold them so that they won't appear rumpled is like an art.

That's how it first started years ago, you know. Only a year or so after he found me. Wine spilled onto his crisp white suit shirt. Rather than allowing him to go all the way back to his quarters to change, I simply had him change in my room. I still had some of my father's old clothing, what little he had kept at our townhouse, and it was a reasonably close fit. Watching him change his shirt is what started all of this. At the time, I had been able to tell myself that it was the age I had been at. It was something purely physical. Over time I have been forced to realize that I have been lying to myself. He has become precious to me, even though I know he will devour me one day.

He slides across the mattress and pulls himself under the blankets. Once again, his arms are around me and he is pulling me up against him. His lips are on mine even as I can feel one hand sliding down my back to get a firm hold on my backside. The way his mouth moves from my lips to my shoulder and then up to my ear sends shivers down my back. My own arms wrap around him even as I rub myself up against him. The tip of his tongue flicks across the small blue earring that is still in my ear. Barely loud enough so that I can hear, he whispers, "Young master."

The feel of him this close to me is addictive. Everything about him pulls me in so that all I want is more of him. We are both aware that we won't have many more nights like this. We are running out of time. Running my hands through his hair, I pull his face back to mine. He is the only thing that I can think about right now and I am fine with that. His hands pull away from my back and I can feel his fingers on my chest as he quickly undoes the buttons on the nightshirt. In an instant, his fingers are on my skin as he pushes the cloth away. It's everything I can do just to push myself closer to him, to feel the heat of his body. His arousal is pressing up against my own. I know that's what he wanted, too, as he reaches down and presses both of our erections together. He's stroking both of us at the same time even as he thrusts up against me. The way he moves feels like electricity against my skin.

Sebastian's lips are on my throat and I can feel myself arching up against him and crying out. The hand that isn't touching both of us reaches up and fists in my hair. it stings, he's holding a little too tight, but I don't care. The look in his eyes when he pulls back to look at me tells me that he needs this every bit as much as I do. If he keeps hitting that one spot, I'm not going to be able to hold back much longer. This isn't how I want things to end tonight.

"Wait," I say, placing my hand on his chest. We're both panting. He has to put forth an effort to stop what he is doing. I can see it in his face.

Sebastian pulls back slightly, looking at me in confusion. "Is everything okay, young master?"

I can feel myself blushing. It's a bad habit that has stayed with me through the years. I fight the urge to look away from him as I respond. "... not like that."

"Oh?" His voice is quiet. The fingers in my hair are now stroking idly through the strands. His dark eyes are focused completely on mine. "What are you wanting, master?"

I slide one of the hands that I have on his back up so that it is tangled in his hair. He leans his face into the touch and smiles. My other hand drifts down his body, fingers running down his side and over his hips. I let my hand run over his stomach and circle his erection with my fingers. Sebastian's eyes drift closed and his mouth falls open as I begin to stroke him. That enjoyment is short lived, however, as I pull his length down so that he is rubbing up against my rear. One of his eyebrows raises in surprise. I can understand what he's thinking. He's probably wondering why I want that now, so soon. Any other night I would be happy to drag this out. I am not in the mood to be patient.

When I don't respond to his questioning look, Sebastian pulls his free hand to his lips and spits into it. He brings that hand down and I can feel his fingers gliding over my skin. Then, he pushes them both into me at once. I can hear my voice cry out at the intrusion, but he knows that this is what I want. No, not want. Need. Not just the contact, but him. The feel of his fingers pushing into me and brushing over that one place that makes me feel like I'm about to lose my mind because of how good it feels. The breath against my skin as he leans down and kisses my throat makes me want more. I need Sebastian. A few more strokes with his fingers and he removes them. Without even wanting to, I groan at the feeling of emptiness he leaves behind. He doesn't keep me waiting for long.

After a moment, I can feel the heat of him pressing up against me. As he pushes into me, I hear myself crying out. "Sebastian!"

"I do so enjoy hearing you call my name like that, young master," He chuckles darkly and runs his tongue along the outside of my ear. "Will you let me hear it again?"

"Sebastian, you sho-," my protest is cut off as he begins to move. This is different. On the days when Elizabeth has been visiting, he's always rough. Tonight, he's going so slow that I can feel every single inch of him as he pushes into me. Both of my arms reach up to wrap around his chest once more as I pull him close to me. As best I can, I lean up and kiss him. Our tongues tangle together as I explore Sebastian's mouth. I never want to be able to forget the way he tastes. I don't think he would let me. I move my lips from his mouth down to his neck and shoulders. Anywhere that I can reach, I press my lips. All of it I do just to hear the quiet, panting moans that he lets out as I run my tongue along his skin.

He lifts a hand and wraps it around my own erection as he hovers over me. The sensation is overwhelming. The heat from his hand makes me want to melt into him completely. The feeling of his body in mine, pushing up against that one delicious pressure point time and time again is pushing me so close to the edge. Under my lips I can taste the sweat on his skin as his strokes speed up. He knows exactly how to touch me to make me cry out for him. Every move is practiced and perfect. He knows me as no one else ever will.

I can tell that he's about to go over the edge. Even as he looks down at me, that self satisfied smirk on his face, I can hear just how heavily he is breathing. His eyes slide closed as I push back against his thrusts. "Young master." He is whispering it under his breath over and over, like a chant. Suddenly, he grunts and I can feel it as he shoots his seed into me, his member pulsing deep within my body. Everything that I am feeling washes over me as I go over the edge, as well. The hot droplets of liquid hit his chest and mine, promising a sticky clean up later.

Taking a deep breath, I collapse backwards onto the mattress. Sebastian pulls himself out of me and lays back down on the bed. Not even a moment later, his arms are around me again as he pulls me to him. He reaches down with one hand and pulls my face up to his once more. He is watching me even as he leans in to kiss me. Sebastian. He has always been so confident, so self assured. Even when the world is falling down around us, he is unmovable. So, why is it that I can feel so much of his carefully controlled emotions as he is kissing me like this?

Even on nights like this, he always leaves. Sometimes it is only a few minutes after we finish. Every once and a while he might stay as long as an hour. Regardless, he never holds me this way. With him laying by my side, feeling one of his hands around my waist and the other brushing slowly against the side of my face, it is impossible for me to imagine what it will be like with someone else in his place. I do not want someone else at my side. I pull away from the kiss, just far enough that I can see his face clearly. His gaze is warm, but he isn't smiling now. Maybe he doesn't want this to end, either. I hear myself whisper his name.  
"Yes, young master?" His voice is just as quiet as mine.

"Stay with me tonight."

Sebastian lifts the hand that is at my waist and runs his long fingers through my hair. His lips turn up in a sad sort of smile as he watches me lean into his touch. "I will always be by your side, my lord. No matter what may come to pass."

_End.  
~)*(~ _

**Author's Notes:** After reading the most recent chapter release (chapter 54, That Butler, Unparalleled) I was really struck by how clear cut these two sides of Ciel's life sometimes are. It was rather inspirational. I realize this is a short little romp, but I do hope you enjoyed it.


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